ROMY: As if an aftershave could get you laid.
CHAM: No but I had one that made fat women give me lap-dances.
ROMY: What did you do with it?
CHAM: Gave it to Greggo.
NASH: Your mum’s hot, ridiculously hot. Why wasn’t she at graduation?
GREGGO: She was on holiday.
NASH: Yeah at Fire Island.
CHAM: Uh Fire Island’s a gay resort.
NASH: Then why did my uncle invite me for a two week holiday and a one week hike?


CHAM: Greggo you still haven’t told us why you were licking her toilet seat.


ROMY: We were gonna meet our friend Andy but he’s going away with his partner.
NASH: I didn’t know he was gay.
ROMY: He’s not.
(BEN enters)
ROMY: Sorry babe our plans have changed for tonight, Andy’s going away with his partner.
BEN: Andy’s gay?
NASH: That’s what I said.

ROMY: Screw the other guys I’d be a perfect godmother, I’ve already got a goddaughter.
ZARA: Last month your goddaughter went on holiday and sent you a post card, what country was it from?
ROMY: …Shit!


BEN: (Watching Barcleycard ad) Imagine what life would be like if we could take rollercoasters everywhere…
(Cut to BEN coming out of office building)
GUY: Wanna take the rollercoaster home?
BEN: Nah not in the mood.


ROMY: And you’re cancelling on us just like that?
GREGGO: What? If the President or whatever of your company asked you to have sex with him you wouldn’t say no.
(The group stare at him.)
GREGGO: …What?
ROMY: You just said have sex with him.
NASH: What’s he inviting you over for?


GREGGO: Don’t call it a penis, makes it sound small.


CHAM: I agree, you never hear the sentence “The child fell over and grazed his cock”, it’s “The child fell over and grazed his penis.”
NASH: How could he graze his penis?
CHAM: Playing football on a gravel pitch?
NASH: But why would it be out?!


ZARA: I think dicks are ugly.
ROMY: See I like the look of them.
IZZIE: I don’t mind now but the first time a boy showed me his cock I was so distressed I pissed the bed that night.


NASH: Are there any tickets left for Toy Story 3?
CHAM: Whoa don’t say it like that, people will think we care whether we see it or not. Just say “two tickets for Toy Story” that way they don’t know you care.
NASH: And if they don’t have any tickets?
CHAM: Then you make your way to the posters, look at them like you’re choosing another film and slowly make your way out the building.


GREGGO: You gotta shag her by the third date coz she could be hiding something…like a penis, or she could have something wrong with her…like a penis.
ROMY: Why are you so afraid a girl might have a cock?


CHAM: There’s no real difference between black people and anyone else…except rocking when we laugh.


CHAM: Ginny Weasley has no tits, she has no tits!
NASH: No…still do her though.
CHAM: Yeah, wait how old is she?
NASH: She’s engaged.
CHAM: Then she is old enough.